The Descent Part 2; Unable to Scream

My arms look like a junkie. I can easily hang out on skid Row and not look at a place. Between losing nearly 40 pounds in a month and the needle marks on my arm, which covered by Band-Aids, I would fit in and be able to talk about how Jesus would have been there as well. I am thankful that God has not placed me there, at least today. It’s cold outside!

To a communicator, the most terrifying thing in the world would be to lose your ability to communicate.

Thursday, I struggled to speak. I couldn’t form words, nor can I even think of making an individual syllable or individual words themselves.

The harder I tried, the more frustrated I became. With terror, I found it impossible to even open my mouth other than to cry. I was pretty sure that I was going to die. I have been thankful that I had few days making things suitable with people I had offended.

Speaking of which, I had a political conversation with a 75-year-old woman in our church that I decided I wanted to continue to help her see things “my way.” She had told me that “all Democrats were Communists”. If she would use absurdity to get her point across, hey Siri, give me a synonym of energy like I’m going to get my position across. I would use something similar as a tactic to prove my point.

Many of you will think of what I’m about to say as anathema. I chose to vote for Joe Biden in the 2020 election. One of my most important positions is that that I am vote on has been abortion. But do you realize that Roe v. Wade was put in place by Republican judges and has been upheld throughout the last 40 years by Republican justices? No guarantee putting more Republican justice on the Court will do anything other than perpetuate Roe versus Wade.

Democratic environmental policies and many of their social policies are in alignment with scripture, and I have chosen to align myself with the God of scripture. The immigrant has always been championed by the Holy Jewish writings, enough so that God can mail them to leave the margins of the fields available for them to eat if they should need food. So, it seemed a natural fit. Up until this point since today’s Reagan, I have voted as a Republican. But the conservatives of this date for our far cry from the conservative nature of the Reagan years. So I registered as an independent.

I chose not to speak about politics this day but to allow Jesus to do so. We watched the movie the shack, or better yet, we attempted to protect the shed. I began to cry almost immediately. As the film progressed, I found myself more and more emotional. Soon I found myself unable to speak coherently. Jan started the movie and said, we need to go home. She drove me home, where the symptoms only became worse. Although I do know the s warning signs of a stroke, this did not occur to me at the time. Not sure if you mentioned it here, but as soon as it was noted, I realized how dangerous this was. I said, please take me to the nearest hospital. I was a little perturbed when we didn’t just go to the closest hospital, which was Mission but headed on to Irvine. Since I didn’t die, it was okay.

The symptoms headset on, but too early for me to have the clot-busting drug. That only made me continue to live in fear, knowing that the client could cause my demise at any moment. Thankfully, it did not. There was no official diagnosis of what made these symptoms so pronounced or why they dissipated so quickly. I am just thankful that I am not dead.

I was kept in the hospital for observation. Once again, God arranged numerous divine appointments. I was able to share the gospel with at least three different people, and they were receptive. I invited them to message church that is an opportunity for them to find Jesus and find a place of healing and relationship. Isn’t that what we all need during this pandemic?

So, I have left once again with the question of what was the purpose? Not quite sure why God doesn’t shout out answers like that. Maybe it’s for us to ponder, perhaps for us to pray about. All I know is that it’s frustrating and that we’re gonna have a little talk when I get to heaven exclamation.

Once again, thank you for praying. Thank you for being there for my family and me. Judy has been incredible throughout this process. Josh and Katie and their spouses have been amazing, and they are taking a lot of grief from me for the last 2 1/2 years. One day we ever have enough money to take them on a trip. I would love to do so before they have kids to celebrate what God has done. One guy will continue to do as we strive to serve him but to do so joyfully.

I took the last Band-Aid off today.

2 thoughts on “The Descent Part 2; Unable to Scream”

  1. What a roller coaster ride. This chapter of your story continues to draw us in, to laugh and cry with you, and to reflect on our own relationships with God.


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