Lessons Learned Two Years Out

September 19, 2020

My posts of late have been morose, partly because I have felt like that at times. I decided maybe I should list how I have adapted to life with a disability so, here goes. By the way, my intention is to find some humor here.

In no particular order:

1. I have mastered the ability to fall. Yes, I believe it is an art form. Little by little, I’ve learned to fall and not get hurt. It is always to the left (my mother thinks I lean to the left politically, but she is incorrect).  Do not try to step up a curb when no one is there to watch the spectacle. Probably best to call for help instead of texting through Siri during a staff meeting. Siri’s translation makes you say things you wouldn’t dare. Lesson learned.

2. Do not talk and walk at the same time. Nothing ruins the conversation more quickly than dropping to the floor near their feet. It is kind of fun to see the reaction though.

3. Shower benches are something indispensable. I think it should become standard in all homes.

4. You can blame just about anything on the stroke. If you say something stupid and that doesn’t work, blaming the medication should suffice.

5. It is not a good idea to go upstairs at the church and then tell your assistant about it. The consequence? Head shaking and tight lips. I won’t do that again.

6. There is no such thing as moving to another location quickly when you have to pass gas. Just pretend it didn’t happen. I would blame the dog but I don’t bring him to work.

7. A true male friend is one you could ask to button your pants (Not that there’s anything wrong with that). Yeah, it’s awkward the first time.

8. Nothing can replace the thumb trick, not even your magnanimous personality. Time to learn a new trick. It served me well.

9. I have come to the conclusion that you can use your mouth in place of your left hand (like holding your shoe or your seatbelt in your mouth) when you can’t use your hand. No one has said anything, but I’ve seen more than one person look away in disgust.

10. Ambien works wonderfully. Going to bed within 10 minutes is fine. Waiting 20 is disastrous. See number #1.

11. I can get out of the bathtub if I wear my water shoes. Trying to get out in bare feet is darn near impossible.

12. Using a foot weight is very helpful when conducting baptisms.

13. Able-bodied people who park in a handicapped space are of the devil. It is always best to make sure someone has a placard before saying something to shame them especially if they’re physically picking you up out of a parking lot.

14. I’ve mentioned this before but, putting a container of liquid between your legs in order to open it can lead to disastrous results. Trying to wipe it up by using your leg and a rag does not usually help at all.

15. At the end of the day the only thing that matters is Jesus loves me, this I know. Everything else is temporary.