November 11, 2019
I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us. ~Philippians 3:14 NLT
I know that cherry-picking verses and applying them to personal situations is a poor exegetical model, but I’m going to claim it anyway.
A number of you expressed concern over my post last week when I said I was tired and frustrated. It has been 15 months; I am. That does not mean I have given up hope, or I distrust what God is doing in my life. It does mean that I am human and subject to emotions that sometimes seem antithetical to faith. I keep a mirror blog on WordPress that is titled Faith and Doubt (www.faithanddoubt.life). In no way doubt the existence of God or his personal interaction with his creation, but it does seem at times that people get lost in the cracks. Intellectually, I do not believe that that is true, but it certainly feels so at times.
A few months ago, my doctor and physical therapist both use the word “plateaued.” They said I could continue to experience gains, but they would be the exception, not the rule. My body had already confirmed that but, it was frustrating to hear.
I am walking better but very slowly. I still rely upon a cane. My left hand is still mostly useless. There are glimpses every morning of regaining functionality. When I am completely at rest, I find that I can move my fingers in ways that I cannot do what I am fully awake. I have to remind myself that I’ve had a brain injury. If I want to show you that I can point with my left hand, the response is for my finger to turn inward. It is all so bizarre.
Here is what I do know; there is purpose in suffering. I have had countless people tell me that I have helped them in their situation. I will take that affirmation. If God uses my position to help others, then I can find comfort in that knowledge.
“Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.” ~CS Lewis