September 26, 2019
Yesterday was our 35th wedding anniversary. It was also the first anniversary of my stroke. Yesterday, I chose to honor the day we were married and not commemorate what has turned out to be the worst day of my life.
A year in, I still have questions that go unanswered. We had done everything right. We were in the hospital in 30 minutes, which was well within the safety zone for a TPA injection (a life saving, clot-busting medicine that can only be administered within a two-hour onset of symptoms). After being wheeled to the ICU ward, I laid in the bed and sobbed. I did not blame God but was sure that I would walk out of the hospital. Within a day, I could walk to the bathroom, and a few days later, I was able to raise my arms. I was convinced I had escaped dire consequences.
Because my doctors were unable to regulate my blood pressure successfully, they transferred me to a regular room in order to get the medication correct. I was feeling good and I was looking forward to being discharged. My release date was postponed because my blood pressure was too high. I began traveling down a road of despair. I felt fine, but they would not let me go home. When I was ultimately released, I walked to our car and got in on my own power. I was finally free to recuperate at home.
The drive home was uneventful. After the hour on the freeway, I struggled a bit to walk up our driveway. Our dog, Sam, was very excited to see me. It had been nearly a week, and I was looking forward to sitting down in my office and getting caught up. I am answered a few emails and got up to speed with the news of the day. Things felt like normal but, when I tried to stand I collapsed on top of the ironing board that sat next to my desk that I use for extra space (I am a flat space abuser.) Judy ran back to find me on the floor and the ironing board irreparably damaged. She had to call the neighbors for help. After getting back on my feet, we’ve decided to go back to the hospital on the same day I had been discharged. Once again, I began to travel the road of despair.
I honestly do not remember how many days after the second discharge that I found myself with a relapse of my symptoms. I could not operate my left arm nor my left leg. The decision was made to transfer me to a rehab facility in the city of Tustin. I would spend the next three weeks in intense rehabilitation. It is a weird feeling to be in a facility like that with mostly senior citizens. I would spend at least three hours a day re-learning to walk and learning to make use of what little movement in my hand that was left.
I was released from the rehab hospital on September 22, nearly a month from the stroke. I was frustrated in the hospital because of things I couldn’t do. I thought going home would be different but, I realized that I was just as limited and that was maddening. The next number of months were a cycle of faith and doubt, hope and depression. I cried at the drop of a hat. I did not want to participate in social activities even to the point I refused to go to our life group.
My primary care physician-approved me to go back to work part-time beginning on January 24. It was good to get out, but I was ill-prepared for how exhausting it would be. I gradually regained my strength and went to 30 hours, July 1 and full-time, August 1. I found humor in many of the situations that I found myself in at the hospital and in rehab. The reality of my situation has tempered that now. I have good days and bad days. The majority of the pain has ceased. I put away the wheelchair a few months ago, and I make myself walk, albeit with a cane.
I wish I could report that I have found victory in Jesus and have conquered depression, but that would be a lie. There are good days and bad, but I do believe the positive days outnumber the negative. I have deemed this time as pre-retirement practice. Judy has been an anchor through this storm. I understand the term, helpmate, more than ever. I am so thankful that God orchestrated the end of her career at Vanguard to coincide with my need to have her home. I do not like to throw the word ”Blessing” around, but that is what our time together has been.
I have somewhat plateaued in my recovery, but I do not believe I am through. If you are a praying person, please pray specifically on my left hand and arm, my ability to walk unhindered, and for Judy to find a well paying full-time job that can use her management ability.
God is good. I need to be reminded of that at times.